Do you ever feel like you gotta talk yourself out of a feeling? I do. And I know why I do it, but I don't think I'm ever truly successful at no longer feeling the feeling that I'm trying to change. Like take now for example, I'm stupid happy right now. I'd like to tell myself quit getting all excited over little stuff, don't make it a big deal. But, I want to hold on to this feeling. I want to shelf-it and preserve it for a time; make it last.
I've been holding off on writing the details about the ghost because I feel the entry is like the culmination to my life's backdrop to cancer. It's all so centrally connected, it's part of why this blog has become so needed for me. I mean it's important and it will fill in some gaping holes, but there are so many components to how that time in my life lead me to where I am at now that I don't want to rush the telling of it. I don't think it comes to any surprise to anyone reading my thoughts/heart that I have felt like my desires and dreams have been ripped away from me. I lost my dad in November, and my female reproductive organs and I thought I had lost my boyfriend too, all within weeks of each other. Things were pretty dark and cloudy for me. It's still hard to talk about. I guess as angry as I am, I'm just really trying to avoid blubbering like a baby on here. But, that's not going to happen. I'm going to blubber, and you're going to get to see all of me, because that's what I want. I want to be honest in this setting. I want to express what it is that I'm afraid to believe for. Because my heart has already been broken so much lately, I feel it only right to allow it to mend by allowing my heart to dream again with no restrictions this time. I feel hopeful today. It's the first in a long time that has lead me to feel good about loving a new person in my life. I'm constantly reminding God about me and my desires, like "hey God, remember this thing here??? Yeah, well I still want it. Is it going to happen?" A very large part of my life has been centered around becoming a better person. For a while, the motivation was more like steering an unruly ox in the path it needs to head to make way for the crops to be harvested. Later it changed to me actually finding the worth in myself to invest the time it takes to be more whole. And, now it's like so much a part of me to want to grow and nurture and cultivate the parts of my life that need watering, that I'm hungry for more. And that's where he comes in. He's honest and raw. He sees me. He sees the chemo. He sees the struggle and he is still around. That's been one of my greatest worries, will whoever comes into my life have the strength to endure the low points, the hard points and the unknown points? This man feeds the part of my soul that hungers after God's desires for my life. He doesn't pull me away from my family or my dreams or my desires and call me foolish, like others before him have. I've chased tangents. I've chased the perceived dream. I've chased the expected. But I'm no longer chasing after "a him." I've asked God, does this man have a place in my life? I was questioning if wanting to wait for a man that I am not in a relationship with is the right thing to do. Circumstances have had the say in whether we see each other, it feels. In my heart, although we agreed to not date at this time, I feel like we've not changed a thing. We still pick up just as easily as if we were together. We still can share the average, everyday stuff and find it to be some of the funniest stuff. I've disappointed myself in believing that the wrong kind can be made right for me. I held onto the notion for so long that what I wanted wasn't really available to me, so in some ways, I was just going to have to learn to settle. There's a whole Mid-Western doctrine I'd like to tear down here, but I'll save that for later too, when it's actually apropos. My point here, not to get sidetracked, is that we're not made to settle. Now, back when I thought I lost my boyfriend, who btw is the guy I'm talking about here, I told my mom that [Insert name] is an Idiot for letting me go. Her response to me was, "the question is, is he your Idiot?" All I could say is I don't know. I bet you could imagine my excitement when after months of barely any contact he asked for me to help him on a project. Of course, I was thrilled to help and see him. From there we kinda were in contact again on the regular, and then bam!, circumstances rolled in again. And, that's where I questioned if I should hold on. Should I find a way to make my heart move on when it doesn't want to? Then days like today happen, where no plans are made and everything lines up just right and we were blessed with hours of uninterrupted conversation, just enjoying the company of one another. Taking a moment out of our crazy hectic schedules to just be in the moment. And, that's where I know it's right, and that he still has a part in my life. I'm not claiming to know what will happen, and I'm tired of thinking I do. I'm just stupid happy that being a part of someone's day for a few hours encouraged and reminded me of why I even feel the way I do. And, maybe, some day I'll know just why all the dashed dreams and desires had to wait.
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