Today was a hard day. It was a mess. It was a fall a part day. But, it was also really good. And, it wasn't really bad.
I've been doing T.V. Reporting this semester, so that means I get to do broadcast camera work, which I love. But every assignment is like having a third class because a lot of work goes into filming. There's the equipment, the location, maneuvering said equipment, the brain power that goes into being creative, plus the dozens of multiple attempts to get the shot or angle right. Of course, being a newbie in my skills means it's going to take me way longer to get to the point where this becomes a breeze. So all of that on it's own is tiring. Now add in chemo. My teacher has been great, she's super supportive and way understanding in all of this. She's even said don't do it if it will stress me out. But not doing it will stress me out more. This is a big deal to me. It's a "#goals" thing to me. Every little thing that I can accomplish right now becomes a part of this "ha ha chemo, you can't keep me down!" thing I have going on my head. What made today so hard? Fear of judgement. I was literally racked with anxiety. Not fun by the way. I bring my brother along with me on these assignments to help me lift and carry the equipment. I have some strict loving orders to not over do it, so I need all the help I can get. Not a problem, right? Well, no, not if you can be compassionate and understanding that my brother is autistic. He's high functioning, and great to be around. He'll entertain you and love on you and invade your privacy bubble with only the charm that he knows how to lay on thick with his infectious laughter. But sometimes those qualities worry me that others will not receive him as awesome as I think he is. He's also young and very willing to join in on making things a party or eating food if it's around. He also boosts my morale. His positivity is like a recharge to my drained batteries. So I lost it today. I thought he had said something in a way that was out of context so I apologized to the lady. She said that what he said didn't bother her and she didn't even hear the part that was said out of context. Then the whole table praised him for being well behaved and a perfect gentleman. I started crying. I couldn't even hold my tears back or fake like I was upset. They just came down as I explained that I bring him because I'm going through chemo. I couldn't even stop myself from telling them about my situation. I just felt like I needed to let people know that I'm going through something hard and I didn't want to be alone. I just needed his support. And, you know what? She said the sweetest most kind thing that I needed to hear at that moment. She said that it says a lot about my character as my brother's caretaker to have each other to take care of in the ways we do and that if other people want to judge then that is their problem, not mine.
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