You know that person that thinks you are their friend and so they bother you all the time, but you do not really like them? I'm sure we all just thought of somebody who is like that. I have someone like that, or rather, something. Nausea must think it's my friend because it bothers me all the time, but I don't really like it. Every day, I wake up nauseous. The very minute I open my eyes, I know that I am nauseous. Sometimes it's intense and unmanageable, but other times, I can deal with it. However, nausea affects my day negatively. There are days when my friend, nausea, is intense and prevents me from being able to eat much, if anything. Additionally, nausea decides what I am able to eat. If it is anything that has a strong smell or taste to it, then I will not be able to eat it because it will make me feel too sick. For example, one time I was feeling really nauseous, I (stupidly) decided to eat Clam Chowder Soup. Oh boy, that was a terrible idea. Instead of helping me feel better, it made me feel worse due to the strong, sickening flavor and smell of fish. I managed to eat the soup, but there were a few times it almost came back up. I may have been eating lunch alone that day, but certainly nausea was right there by my side the whole time, keeping me company--and annoying me. Every day of my life, nausea is right there, bugging me, being an annoying friend that I really don't like.
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I am the monster that lives inside your stomach. I am the one that makes you miserable all the time. The one that stabs invisible knives into your stomach, causing extreme pain--or lights a match and sets your stomach on fire so you feel burning pain inside your stomach. I am the one that blocks your cardiac sphincter (stomach opening) so that you cannot eat. I'm the one that makes you intensely nauseous. I am the one that squeezes your stomach so that you violently and painfully throw up every last morsel of food on your stomach. I am the one that leaves you gasping for breath after your fit of vomiting. I am the one responsible for the tears that have escaped from your eyes because I made you violently retch. I am the one that leaves you wanting to rip out your stomach. My dear, you might think I disappear, but I never leave you. *Evil laugh* I am always lurking inside you, ready to make you feel like your insides are being ripped apart, when you least expect it. My name is the Puke Monster.
Life with an invisible illness is rough in general. But having an illness that no one seems to understand is even harder. As you read in my story, I throw up. Quite often, in fact. For no reason. Out of the blue. People do not understand how this can just happen. Hell, I don't understand it myself. But I'm stuck dealing with the horror of it. Throwing up, in general, is an unpleasant experience that no one enjoys. I never expected to have something that causes me to violently puke all the time. What's worse is that I don't know what's causing it. I have, however, connected some triggers to what causes it. My emotions. Feeling nervous...sick. Feeling excited...sick. Anticipating something...sick. I cannot feel emotions without getting sick. It is the most ridiculous thing ever. I feel like my brain simply cannot process emotions, so it decides vomiting is the best response. Oh, so you vomit out your feelings? Bulimic! No. It's not the same thing as bulimia. I do not binge on food and then force myself to throw up. No, this is involuntary. If I could stop it, I most definitely would. But I can't. It just happens. People ask me, "how does it just happen?" I can't answer that. It does.
Today, I woke up and my stomach felt weird. I ate breakfast, but my stomach still felt weird. I'm sure you're like, "well it's probably just the food you ate." Nope. It does not matter what I eat, I still throw up. I will make sure to say this: I did not throw up today. I was still nauseous though. What I don't understand is how my body can just suddenly be sick when I wake up. That seems inconceivable to me. Sure, your body can suddenly be sick with the stomach flu or food poisoning, but that isn't what this illness is. It's not anything normal, as much as I wish it was. That stuff is simple. You're sick. You're miserable for a day or a couple days, and then you're fine again. No, this happens repeatedly. The same thing. Every. Single. Time. It's the same routine. Wake up nauseous. Think I just need to eat. Vomit. Stomach pain and nausea for the rest of the day. Unable to eat anything. This happens with every episode. Imagine the agony of going through this for a week or two weeks, or even just a couple days straight. You begin to become excessively exhausted and feel horrible overall because you can't hardly eat anything. You feel incredibly nauseous. Your stomach just hurts (and no, I'm not just talking about an ordinary stomachache because you decided to go a little overboard on dessert at dinner). What I'm referring to is seriously bad stomach pain that makes you want to cry or rip your stomach out. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention imagine going through this while trying to function in daily life (going to school, work, doing chores, etc.). You simply don't have the energy to do much. You just feel like laying in bed all day, but somehow you have to pull your ass together and do stuff. I deal with this problem all while being a full time undergraduate college student who keeps perfect attendance. So even though I can still function doesn't mean I'm not sick. What you can't see is that I'm struggling to just get by. In actuality, I feel horrible, even though I don't look it. |
AuthorBrittany Seidelman Archives
April 2018
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