Today, I threw up. For no apparent reason. It just happened. But I'm used to it. I have been healthy for the most part recently. But the monster came creeping back. I knew it would return. I just didn't know when it would rear its ugly head again. I threw up this morning, but no one realizes. I have to go on with my life. I had to get ready and go to school, even though I felt like hell. I still feel like crap. Recovering from dumping your guts out isn't exactly something you can do quickly. Because I put on an act and look like I'm feeling okay, people think it's genuine. Because I'm not laying in bed, people think I'm not sick. I can still be sick even if I'm not laying in bed all day, every day. See, I'm living a double life. No one can see how sick I've become. In fact, I rarely tell people anymore that I am not feeling well. Lack of appetite, stomach pain, nausea, vomiting, severe headaches, at times, passing out...this is my life now. I live with the puke monster lurking inside me, ready to strike at any time. It's the unpredictability of this condition that is so frustrating. One day, I'm perfectly fine. I'll be asymptomatic. The next day, however, will be a totally different story. I could be intensely nauseous or vomiting, or I'll have a migraine. Most of the time, though, I can lead a normal life, but some of my life is spent throwing up and resting when I need it the most. This can be detrimental though because I am a full time college student who is going to be a high school teacher. I'm trying to balance dealing with a chronic illness with school, teaching, and life in general. It's so difficult because the intensity of my symptoms exhausts me. Now, I get really tired easily and need to rest more often than normal people who are 22 years old. I should be having the time of my life, not spending my "good" years sick constantly. I shouldn't feel like this at such a young age, but I do. I think it's ridiculous, but my hands are tied right now at doing something about it. I didn't ask to be dealt such a bad hand of cards. But that's what happened. Sometimes, life just isn't fair, but you still have to keep moving. So even though I'm chronically ill most of the time, I strive to try my best at everything I do, and just live. Whatever this condition is, it will never stop me.
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You know that person that thinks you are their friend and so they bother you all the time, but you do not really like them? I'm sure we all just thought of somebody who is like that. I have someone like that, or rather, something. Nausea must think it's my friend because it bothers me all the time, but I don't really like it. Every day, I wake up nauseous. The very minute I open my eyes, I know that I am nauseous. Sometimes it's intense and unmanageable, but other times, I can deal with it. However, nausea affects my day negatively. There are days when my friend, nausea, is intense and prevents me from being able to eat much, if anything. Additionally, nausea decides what I am able to eat. If it is anything that has a strong smell or taste to it, then I will not be able to eat it because it will make me feel too sick. For example, one time I was feeling really nauseous, I (stupidly) decided to eat Clam Chowder Soup. Oh boy, that was a terrible idea. Instead of helping me feel better, it made me feel worse due to the strong, sickening flavor and smell of fish. I managed to eat the soup, but there were a few times it almost came back up. I may have been eating lunch alone that day, but certainly nausea was right there by my side the whole time, keeping me company--and annoying me. Every day of my life, nausea is right there, bugging me, being an annoying friend that I really don't like.
I am the monster that lives inside your stomach. I am the one that makes you miserable all the time. The one that stabs invisible knives into your stomach, causing extreme pain--or lights a match and sets your stomach on fire so you feel burning pain inside your stomach. I am the one that blocks your cardiac sphincter (stomach opening) so that you cannot eat. I'm the one that makes you intensely nauseous. I am the one that squeezes your stomach so that you violently and painfully throw up every last morsel of food on your stomach. I am the one that leaves you gasping for breath after your fit of vomiting. I am the one responsible for the tears that have escaped from your eyes because I made you violently retch. I am the one that leaves you wanting to rip out your stomach. My dear, you might think I disappear, but I never leave you. *Evil laugh* I am always lurking inside you, ready to make you feel like your insides are being ripped apart, when you least expect it. My name is the Puke Monster.
Life with an invisible illness is rough in general. But having an illness that no one seems to understand is even harder. As you read in my story, I throw up. Quite often, in fact. For no reason. Out of the blue. People do not understand how this can just happen. Hell, I don't understand it myself. But I'm stuck dealing with the horror of it. Throwing up, in general, is an unpleasant experience that no one enjoys. I never expected to have something that causes me to violently puke all the time. What's worse is that I don't know what's causing it. I have, however, connected some triggers to what causes it. My emotions. Feeling nervous...sick. Feeling excited...sick. Anticipating something...sick. I cannot feel emotions without getting sick. It is the most ridiculous thing ever. I feel like my brain simply cannot process emotions, so it decides vomiting is the best response. Oh, so you vomit out your feelings? Bulimic! No. It's not the same thing as bulimia. I do not binge on food and then force myself to throw up. No, this is involuntary. If I could stop it, I most definitely would. But I can't. It just happens. People ask me, "how does it just happen?" I can't answer that. It does.
Today, I woke up and my stomach felt weird. I ate breakfast, but my stomach still felt weird. I'm sure you're like, "well it's probably just the food you ate." Nope. It does not matter what I eat, I still throw up. I will make sure to say this: I did not throw up today. I was still nauseous though. What I don't understand is how my body can just suddenly be sick when I wake up. That seems inconceivable to me. Sure, your body can suddenly be sick with the stomach flu or food poisoning, but that isn't what this illness is. It's not anything normal, as much as I wish it was. That stuff is simple. You're sick. You're miserable for a day or a couple days, and then you're fine again. No, this happens repeatedly. The same thing. Every. Single. Time. It's the same routine. Wake up nauseous. Think I just need to eat. Vomit. Stomach pain and nausea for the rest of the day. Unable to eat anything. This happens with every episode. Imagine the agony of going through this for a week or two weeks, or even just a couple days straight. You begin to become excessively exhausted and feel horrible overall because you can't hardly eat anything. You feel incredibly nauseous. Your stomach just hurts (and no, I'm not just talking about an ordinary stomachache because you decided to go a little overboard on dessert at dinner). What I'm referring to is seriously bad stomach pain that makes you want to cry or rip your stomach out. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention imagine going through this while trying to function in daily life (going to school, work, doing chores, etc.). You simply don't have the energy to do much. You just feel like laying in bed all day, but somehow you have to pull your ass together and do stuff. I deal with this problem all while being a full time undergraduate college student who keeps perfect attendance. So even though I can still function doesn't mean I'm not sick. What you can't see is that I'm struggling to just get by. In actuality, I feel horrible, even though I don't look it. It was September of 2014. I was 19 years old, a sophomore in college. The day began as any other. I woke up to get ready for school, as usual, and as soon as I opened my eyes, I realized I felt off. I woke up extremely nauseous, my stomach hurt, and I just felt terrible. My first thought was "What is going on? Am I sick? Do I have the stomach flu?" I thought I was just dealing with a bad hypoglycemic situation so I got up out of bed and went to the kitchen to get breakfast. My dad had gone to QT (a gas station) and gotten a donut for my brother and I. I managed to get some of it down, but I was unable to finish the donut. I just felt so sick. It was getting late and I was going to have to leave for school soon so I headed off to the shower. As soon as I got in the shower, I felt it coming. I proceeded to violently throw up everything in my stomach. It was horrifying. I had never thrown up so bad. Also, I had never thrown up out of no where for no apparent reason. I could not think of a reason why I would have gotten sick. But after the horror that ensued, I went about my day, not thinking too much of it, though, feeling terrible still, but I managed to get along. I figured I would not experience this again and it was only a one time thing. Wrong.
I woke up the next morning and the SAME thing happened. I began to wonder at this point what was going on. I continued to throw up every day that week and every day seemed to get worse. I could not eat lunch. My stomach hurt for most of the day. Overall, I just felt sluggish and fatigued. After that week of horror, I felt better and pretty quickly returned to normal health. Fast forward to the Fall of 2015. It began again. I kept having episodes of violent throwing up. I had no idea what was causing this and it was starting to effect my life negatively. I was not feeling well so I would have a hard time completing my homework. Worse yet, I did open up a little bit about it with some trusted people and they straight up told me that I was not actually sick because I did not "look" sick. I also had perfect attendance in my classes still so I couldn't actually be sick, could I? The throwing up intensified in the Winter/Spring of 2016. I was so sick. For two weeks I threw up that January, and it continued off and on throughout that semester. Other symptoms began to appear such as total fatigue. I was really struggling at this point. Again, I reached out to let some trusted people know and they still said I wasn't sick because I didn't look sick. I did not seem to feel as bad in the summer time as the other three seasons. But come the Fall of 2016, the illness is still sticking around. Every time I thought it was gone for good, it came back with a vengeance. That whole Fall semester of 2016, the illness plagued me. I didn't know what to do at all. I was so sick of being sick at this point. But still it continued... It is relentless. In the Spring of 2017, I was sick off and on. But something changed this time, and it wasn't for the better. The vomiting became extremely intense and painful. All of my symptoms got worse. At this point, I was projectile vomiting every time I threw up. The stomach pain was worse. I could hardly eat anything, if I was lucky because just thinking about or looking at food disgusted and sickened me. I lost weight that I didn't have to lose. The fatigue became even more. Every little thing I did exhausted me. I felt like I had run a mile after doing minor tasks. I had no energy whatsoever. Going to my classes every day was a nightmare and keeping on the homework was tough as well. I was trying to deal with an illness all while being a full time college student. There were some times where I would experience pain so bad that I would just cry. Most recently, in the Fall of 2017, I seemed to be somewhat okay throughout the semester. Well, my stomach was okay for about half of the semester. I experienced excruciating headaches close to every day. The pain was so bad in my head that it made me nauseous. My head would feel like someone hit me in the head with a hammer and then impaled my head with a sword. I had a couple headaches that lasted for over a week without relief. Then the end of October came.... On Monday, October 23, 2017, I woke up feeling terrible. For no reason. Out of no where. Again. I violently threw up that morning. I was shocked. It came out of the blue. The next day, I didn't feel too much better, but I didn't throw up...or at least I was able to fight it that day. Wednesday, I was not so lucky to be able to do that. This was the worst day. I projectile vomited everything out of my stomach. The vomiting was so violent, I pulled a muscle in my stomach retching so hard, and I felt internal pain inside my stomach while I was getting sick and then afterwards. I felt dreadful. There were several other occurrences until the end of the semester, which was the worst possible time for me to get so sick. My illness cost me better grades for the Fall semester of 2017. As of currently (the beginning of 2018), I have been doing okay for the most part. I'm not at all hopeful that the illness is gone for good--only dormant. It's never gone for good. The puke monster is always there, waiting to catch me off guard. |
AuthorBrittany Seidelman Archives
April 2018
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