I think I need to do what is known as a brain dump. It's where you dump the contents of your brain out into thoughts. It doesn't have to make sense, it doesn't even have to be edited, it's just for you to get off what's weighing heavily on your mind.
I've been thinking a lot about my life and how cancer has shaped it. I've been thinking about these crazy intense feelings of desires to be married and have babies. I feel like the fear of dying and not knowing as turned me into a woman that is obsessed with what might be. I think I've become this person who is all wrapped up in this one event that I'm waiting to happen in my life. I feel like everything is riding on the possible what if's. I've become this person who is so afraid that I may never get married and be a mother that it has consumed me. I feel like my life's work has been this marathon event of racing away from sickness to health and racing for the life of my unborn children and my future spouse; my husband. I feel like the goals and desires to be a better future wife and parent than the example I grew up with as a child are so consuming me that it's become more important than finishing my degree over the years. I don't know what kind of physical shape I'll be in once the chemo is detoxed from my system. I'm all kinds of scared that I love a man I can't be with truly. I feel like I'm basing my life's decisions on whether or not I'll be the person I envision myself to be. I have no answers right now. I have a lot of uncertainty. O.K., I haven't found the answers to what I'm seeking in these areas yet. I feel terrified of no longer being the person I dreamt of being. I feel terrified that I'm not going to get married or have babies. And I want to not be so wrapped up in it and for it to not be the backdrop to my life, but it is. Some women don't make it a big deal if they aren't married yet, but I do. Maybe not as much outwardly anymore, but it still bounces in my mind like a jump room. Cancer has been there all these years as a silent stalker creeping me. It haunts me. It haunts my dreams. It haunts my emotions. And to the world, I look like some lovelorn woman-child who's world has been turned upside down cause I'm not married yet. But that's not the case. What's what is: Cancer has robbed me, lies have robbed me, time has passed by me and I've had a lot to overcome emotionally. I think that while growing emotionally through this cancer journey, I've acted and behaved in ways that have been crazy. I also think they've been understandably crazy. This is guilt talking, or me beating myself up. I just wonder now that I'm coming to hopefully the end of this journey that I can see that my life doesn't have to feel incomplete if these dreams aren't unfulfilled because that's how it feels.
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