Today, I threw up. For no apparent reason. It just happened. But I'm used to it. I have been healthy for the most part recently. But the monster came creeping back. I knew it would return. I just didn't know when it would rear its ugly head again. I threw up this morning, but no one realizes. I have to go on with my life. I had to get ready and go to school, even though I felt like hell. I still feel like crap. Recovering from dumping your guts out isn't exactly something you can do quickly. Because I put on an act and look like I'm feeling okay, people think it's genuine. Because I'm not laying in bed, people think I'm not sick. I can still be sick even if I'm not laying in bed all day, every day. See, I'm living a double life. No one can see how sick I've become. In fact, I rarely tell people anymore that I am not feeling well. Lack of appetite, stomach pain, nausea, vomiting, severe headaches, at times, passing out...this is my life now. I live with the puke monster lurking inside me, ready to strike at any time. It's the unpredictability of this condition that is so frustrating. One day, I'm perfectly fine. I'll be asymptomatic. The next day, however, will be a totally different story. I could be intensely nauseous or vomiting, or I'll have a migraine. Most of the time, though, I can lead a normal life, but some of my life is spent throwing up and resting when I need it the most. This can be detrimental though because I am a full time college student who is going to be a high school teacher. I'm trying to balance dealing with a chronic illness with school, teaching, and life in general. It's so difficult because the intensity of my symptoms exhausts me. Now, I get really tired easily and need to rest more often than normal people who are 22 years old. I should be having the time of my life, not spending my "good" years sick constantly. I shouldn't feel like this at such a young age, but I do. I think it's ridiculous, but my hands are tied right now at doing something about it. I didn't ask to be dealt such a bad hand of cards. But that's what happened. Sometimes, life just isn't fair, but you still have to keep moving. So even though I'm chronically ill most of the time, I strive to try my best at everything I do, and just live. Whatever this condition is, it will never stop me.
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AuthorBrittany Seidelman Archives
April 2018
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